The Art of Listening

I was reading the

Sparkpeople

article today from the

Slowest Loser

. He's been posting his "techniques' and tips. Today, he was talking about taking a breath (an old fashioned zen technique) to stop impulses. A good article, but one part in the middle, which had nothing to do with weight loss, but everything to do with how we live, really made an impression on me. Here's the quote from his article:


"Most people, myself included, have a habit of trying to make conversations about themselves. If someone is talking about Florida, instead of listening and reacting to what that person is telling you, you're just waiting for them to stop talking so you can jump in and say, "You know what I did when I was in Florida?"
Restraining this impulse allows you to truly listen to someone and respond more sensitively and genuinely, which they'll appreciate it. And knowing you had the discipline to restrain the impulse to make the conversation about you can make you feel ever-so-subtly proud of yourself, as it should."


I know how irritated I get when someone always seems to try to turn the conversation to themselves. But in honestly thinking about it, I have to admit to being guilty at times of doing exactly that.

This made me realize that if I'm telling a story, or especially, if I'm having a difficult time with something, I am asking for your help, or sympathy, or empathy, or motivation, or something from you. I am not looking to be outdone in my story or problem. It's not going to help me to know that your story or problem is "bigger or better" than mine. Why do we always seem to live life as a competition? It seems we are always comparing our homes, our kids, our pets, our craft projects. Often our comparisons are invalid. The friend who lives in a really nice house and has lots of money isn't necessarily any happier than you are. We should be just doing our best and trying to find happiness in our accomplishments, without trying to "top" someone else.

Life is not really a competition for me. I want to be my best, and I want you to be your best, and those are probably not equal accomplishments, but so what?

Anyway...thank you Slowest Loser. I will try to use my "zen" whether it be your breathing technique, or just a better awareness, and truly LISTEN when someone is talking to me. They deserve that.

Quilts for Kids

I just finished my second quilt for the

Quilts for Kids

 program, sponsored by Downey.  If you like to quilt you should check it out.  They send you all the fabric and the pattern for a child's quilt.  You put it together.  The only thing you have to add is the batting.  Then they give the quilts to children in hospitals.  They even give you a label to "sign" your quilt and then you can check on it's journey at their website.  (I, of course, lost my label.)
I am what you might call a beginner quilter.  I've been quilting a long time, but I don't do fancy things.  I love to piece quilts together but I don't have a terrible amount of skill or patience.  I heard about this program from my friend Cindy.  She claims to be a beginner quilter too, but I think she is much better than me.  Anyway, I got on their website, and requested a kit.  The fabric they sent me was so cute and kid-friendly and the pattern was super easy.  They would like to get the finished quilt back in about 4 weeks, and they would love it if you would send a second quilt too.  They are figuring on a more dedicated quilt maker, who probably has enough scraps to do one of these little quilts.  Yea, well that isn't me.

 To piece together their quilt didn't take very long, I must admit.  I had it finished in an afternoon easily.  It took me longer to get around to the machine quilting.  They wanted it with a little more quilting than I typically do.  It has to hold up to industrial washing.  Then I went looking for material to make a second one.  I found a cute bundle of fat quarters all with dog prints on sale.  I pieced that together in a really easy pattern of diagonal squares.  I ran into a problem when I need the border and backing.  Of course, the cute little dog prints were no longer anywhere to be found. Every dog print I found was done in muted colors with an emphasis on beige.  My squares were bright primary colors.  After checking several stores several different times, I finally went with a bright red dog print border and backing.  So both quilts are finally finished and ready to send off.

Dear Downy and Children's Hospitals,
I'm sorry this took so long, but I hope the kids like their quilts.  I think your program is fantastic.  I hope you get many quilters, more talented than I am, to join in this effort.  I know all kids love having a quilt that is uniquely theirs and I would think that would be especially true for a child in a hospital.  Thanks for letting me take part.
Janet

Sales and Discounts

Sales and discounts are a good thing.  Right?  Except when they aren't.  The thing about sales and discounts is that they often suck us into the same spending pattern we're trying to get out of.  I was recently tempted by two different offers.  One was an incredibly deep discount on some cute clothes.  The other was on pet medication.

 I was really excited about the clothes because the savings were so good.  The clothes were cute.  They had my size.  But I really didn't need the clothes.  Are you saving money when you buy something you don't need?  Not really, no matter how "good" the deal is.  It's a classic example of want versus need.  I passed on the clothes.

The other temptation came on my pet medication.  I have 3 dogs and 2 cats.  By the time I buy heart medication for the dogs and flea and tick control for all 5, I have spent quite a bit each month.  The discount I found really brought the price of each individual application down, but I had to buy the product in quantity.  My dogs are different sizes so they can't even share one box.  The total of the order felt way outside of my monthly budget.  But the product would last more than 3 months.  When I divided it out per application per animal per month, I couldn't turn it down.  I went ahead and spent the money today.  I believe that it was a frugal choice over the long term.

 Living frugally often means taking advantage of sales and discounts.  Sometimes I find things on sale that I don't need right now, but I will need later, so they are still a good deal.  But I have found that I have to be very careful with sales, so I don't end up spending money on something that I don't need, and might not even really want.

The clothes were a want, but the pet medication was a need.  I'm proud of myself for carefully analyzing my options.  I think I made good choices today.  And I think that's the trick to frugal living...making reasoned choices, not impulse buying.

"Every child is an artist.  The problem is how to remain an artist once he grows up." - Pablo Picasso

Creativity is something that needs to be nurtured and prodded into being. But it is also something that everyone can have.  Why is it that some children think they can't be creative?  When did realistic drawing become the only "good" drawing?  Obviously it is not, or people like Mondrian and Jackson Pollack would never have become famous.  But it is something children too often believe.  

 Peter Reynolds has an excellent book entitled "The Dot".  In it, a little girl doesn't think she can draw.  Her teacher encourages her to just make a mark, so she does.  It's one small dot on the page.  Then this brilliant educator tells her to sign her work and proceeds to post the drawing on the wall.  This encourages the student into believing she is creative.

As an art teacher, I never understood the concept of writing your name on the back of your work.  You should always sign the front.  Be proud of the effort, even if you are not satisfied with the result.  I can guarantee that most artists are seldom 100% satisfied with their work.

Children can see the art in everything, up until their vision is discounted. Is there something adults say to them to squash their notions of expression?    

So, take my word for it:  Art does not equal realistic drawings.  While they may be art, there are so many other things that are also art.  Take a look at your grandmother's quilt.  Check out the weaving of an oriental rug.  Look at the pattern on your china.  Closely examine a piece of handmade paper. But creativity is not just in producing things that may be considered works of art either. See the shapes in the clouds and the colors in the morning sky.  Compare two stones from the stream to see their likes and differences.  Creativity is in your mind's eye.  Creativity comes in appreciating the unique qualities of things, including a child's crayon drawing. 

Religion and Politics

The old saying that you should never talk about religion or politics is probably good advice.  But here I go anyway.

 

I know why not to discuss these two things.  People have very set opinions on both, and are not likely to be swayed by your comments, therefore instead of discussion, you end up with argument and often hurt feelings.  But the other day, sitting in the lunchroom at work, a young co-worker made a comment that has been creeping into my thoughts repeatedly.  She asked, "How can you be a Christian and a Republican?"

 

Now, at first, I thought that was a strange comment.  After all the Christian Right and Moral Majority are strong Republican sects.  I am sure they would be appalled at her statement.  But then, I started to see her point.  Why would anyone be against helping others, especially the poor and children?  Why is it considered liberal to support government programs designed to feed the hungry and give people out of work assistance?  Oh, don't start about the people that abuse the system or don't deserve the aid.  I know all that.  But are you willing to deny someone who really needs help, because someone else cheats the system?

 

My co-worker asked if Jesus was a socialist.  After my initial shock at the question, again I saw her point.  After all, he was all about helping the poor and living in peace with your fellow man.  Certain aspects of the ideology of socialism definitely feel Christian, even though the entirety of it has not proved to be an efficient form of government.  We send aid to Haiti without asking their religious or political beliefs, yet we question whether we want to force the insurance companies to not deny coverage to a child born with a heart murmur. I suppose the answer is that only some people are sending aid to Haiti, and only some people don't want to change the insurance industry.  Generalizations are so easy, but the reality is much more complicated.

Then I was reading the book Peace Is Every Step by Thich Nhat Hanh.  If you're not familiar with him, he's a Buddhist monk from Vietnam who was kicked out of that country for his unpopular writings.  I was appreciating his simple theology about peaceful living and mindfulness, when I came upon the chapter about the Eucharist.  Here is a Buddhist monk supporting the life work of Jesus. That led me to take my co-workers outrageous question one step further.  How can we be Christian and not support people of other religions following the same path?

 

 For the record, I am a Christian.  While I was raised in the Episcopal Church, I do not currently claim any particular denomination.  I would have to say, I agree with those who believe in a loving God as opposed to those whose God condemns them for every little grievance.  I certainly need forgiveness way more than threats.  And for the record, I am an Independent politically.  I vote for the person, not the party.  And I believe there are many good Christians, who are Republicans.

 

It's all food for thought.

 

Civility...where fore art thou?

 ci·vil·i·ty

Pronunciation: \sə-ˈvi-lə-tē\

Function: noun

1 a : civilized conduct; especially : courtesy, politeness

b : a polite act or expression

 

 

It's perhaps a naive wish, but I can only hope that some degree of civility and rational thought can return to the national political front.  The vulgar insults, the threatening phone calls and the vandalism over displeasure in the health care reform are cowardly, disturbing and sometimes dangerous.  We have a legal process to deal with government policies that we disagree with, and violence has no part in that process.

 

George Washington wrote down 110 Rules of Civility and Decent Behavior when he was about 16 years old.  He copied them from a set of rules composed by French Jesuits in 1595.  Granted, he probably wrote them as a school assignment, but the sentiment of our nation's father being associated with these rules is significant.  Today the wording of those orignial rules sounds fussy or even silly, but the many of the ideas are valid and worth reviewing.  Here is a modernized list of some of those rules:

 

-Treat everyone with respect.

-Be considerate of others. Do not embarrass them.

-When you speak, be concise.

-Do not argue, instead share your ideas with humility.

-When a person does their best and fails, do not criticize him.

-When you must give advice or criticism, consider the timing, whether it should be given in public or private, how it should be delivered and above all else bekind.

-If you are corrected, take it without argument. Consider the message, and then if you were wrongly judged, correct it later.

-Do not make fun of anything important to others.

-If you criticize someone else of something, make sure you are not guilty of it yourself.

-Actions speak louder than words.

-Do not be quick to believe bad reports about others.

-Associate with good people. It is better to be alone than in bad company.

-Always allow reason to influence your actions.

-Some things are better kept secret.

-A person should not overly value their own accomplishments.

-Do not go where you are not wanted.

-Do not give unasked-for advice.

-If two people disagree, do not take one side or the other without examining the issue. Be flexible in your own opinion..

-Do not correct others when it is not your place to do so.

-Do not be quick to talk about something when you don't have all the facts.

-Do not be curious about the affairs of others.

-Do not start what you cannot finish. Keep your promises.

-Do not speak badly of those who are not present.

-Show interest in others conversation.

-Don't allow yourself to become jaded, cynical or calloused.

 

May our politicians, and news people take note as their influence is enormous. These rules seem like small sacrifices that we should all be willing to make in order to live together in a peaceful, yet productive world

Thoughts on Vacation

Today is the last day of my vacation.  I took a week at a timeshare that is about 30 miles from my home.  Some people thought that was a crazy idea, but it turned out great.  My family, including both daughters and their families, came and went at various times during the week.  I was the only one who actually had the week off work.  Everyone was able to take advantage of the indoor swimming pool, the trail in the woods, eating out, and shopping one day or another.  We even had one day when all eleven of us were there!

Besides feeling rested and happy, I have come away with a couple of realizations.

1. I don't ever actually relax and "do nothing" at home.  I can curl up with a book and a glass of wine at the resort and completely lose myself in the wonder of the story, 100% relaxed.  I can curl up with a book and a glass of wine at home, and it's nice, but everywhere around me there is something that seems to demand my attention:  a dog wants in or out, I realize I have clothes or dishes that need to be washed, I look up and see dust on the floor that needs to be cleaned, etc.

2. It's great to have a job that you love, but it is even better to have a job that you can leave at work.  I admit, I did go visit work one time during my vacation.   I work with a lot of wonderful people who give me positive feedback.  They seemed glad to see me (it's nice to be missed) but absolutely nothing came up in our conversations that would make me feel guilty about not being there, and there was no indication that a huge pile of work would be waiting for me when I got back because no one else would do it.  That's not the way it has been in jobs past.  I remember vacations where I worried about what was not getting done, or stressed about how I would manage to "catch up" on all my work when I got back, or the worst was when we would get phone calls from work with questions or concerns.

3. Little kids help you to see the "fun" in everything.  We didn't take a bunch of toys to the resort and I was wondering how I was going to keep them entertained.  I needn't have worried.  They found joy in just running around someplace different.  I had never known that opening and closing all the drawers in a place could be so exciting.  The girls did find a Bible in one of the drawers.  And I still don't know how Morgan managed to set the alarm on the stereo system to come blasting on at about 5am every morning, but at least it was good rock and roll music.  

4. There is never enough time (or money) to do everything, but that's okay.  Vacations can be exhausting as well as relaxing.  What a paradox!

 I had a great time.